Triangulation in Relationships: Manipulation and Building Resilience

Introduction

Triangulation, a subtle yet impactful manipulation tactic, is a complex dynamic where one person strategically introduces a third party into a relationship to manage conflicts indirectly. The orchestrator, known as the triangulator, aims to avoid direct interactions by subtly pitting two individuals against each other. This blog post delves into the depths of triangulation psychology, shedding light on its prevalence, signs, real-world examples, impacts, and offering practical tips for those navigating this intricate relational landscape.

Understanding Triangulation

Triangulation often finds a breeding ground in toxic relationships, toxic friendships, and is a hallmark characteristic of narcissistic abuse. Rooted in emotional distress, some individuals with narcissistic or borderline personality disorders resort to triangulation as a coping mechanism. The core motive behind this manipulation is to create a diversion, making the triangulator feel worthy or loved in a roundabout way

The Harmful Consequences of Triangulation

While on the surface, triangulation may seem harmless or even helpful, it inherently comes with severe consequences. The act of avoiding truth and withholding assertiveness creates friction in relationships. The impact extends to the person experiencing triangulation, leading to feelings of insecurity, anger, shame, or humiliation once the truth is revealed. Trust erodes, and relationships can be marred by tension, blame-shifting, and a continuous sense of doubt.

Signs of Triangulation

Triangulation isn’t always overt, making it challenging to detect, especially in close relationships where the pattern may have persisted over time. Insecurity lies at the foundation of this manipulation tactic, often driven by a lack of self-esteem or self-worth. Recognizable signs include being asked to take sides, feeling pressured to choose a “right” side during a conflict, one person feeling ignored or rejected, and the placement of a third party into an ill-fitting role, such as a child being involved in marital issues.

Real-world Examples of Triangulation

1. Triangulation in Relationships: In the context of romantic relationships, triangulation may manifest when a partner subtly compares the current relationship to past ones. For instance, adopting a pet together becomes a trigger as one partner reminisces about the ease of bonding with a pet from a previous relationship, subtly making the other feel insecure.
2. Triangulation in the Workplace: In a professional setting, triangulation can occur when a narcissistic boss or toxic coworker diverts a colleague away from a collaborative project without direct communication. The unsuspecting colleague is left in the dark, scrambling to complete tasks on their own.
3. Triangulation in Parenting: Within family dynamics, parents may unintentionally pit siblings against each other, designating roles like the “scapegoat” and the “golden child.” This dynamic creates resentment and neglect, impacting the children’s self-perception and familial relationships.

The Impact of Triangulation

Triangulation shares similarities with gaslighting, causing individuals to question themselves and their reality. The emotional toll is profound, leading to increased tension within family dynamics, intimacy issues, blame-shifting, scapegoating, perfectionism, continuous self-doubt, agitation, and frustration

Reacting to Triangulation

1. Remember It’s Not About You: Understanding that triangulation is not a personal reflection but a strategy employed by the triangulator is crucial. Recognizing that their actions do not define your worth helps maintain a sense of self.
2. Express How You Feel: Practicing assertiveness and articulating your feelings when you notice unhealthy behavior is a sign of self-respect. Sharing your experiences, even if discredited, reinforces your truth.
3. Set Your Boundaries: Letting the triangulator know you are aware of their tactics and setting healthy boundaries is essential. Expect denial or rationalization, but standing your ground is vital.
4. Avoid Taking Sides: Striving to remain neutral and avoiding involvement in future triangulation instances is crucial. Refrain from choosing sides or participating in gossip to prevent perpetuating the cycle.
5. Don’t Obsess on the Why: Instead of analyzing why you’re being triangulated, focus on setting better limits and redefining relationships if needed. Engaging in endless analysis often leads to frustration without conclusive answers.
6. Seek Professional Support: Recognizing triangulation as a symptom of emotional abuse and seeking professional support is essential. Therapists can offer guidance and strategies to navigate the emotional impact of triangulation.
7. Practice Self-Care: Prioritizing self-care is crucial to preserving emotional well-being. Recognize and address feelings of sadness or anger, honoring your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs regularly.

Final Thoughts

Triangulation, a sinister manipulation tactic, often operates unnoticed. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel you’re walking on eggshells or uncertain about someone’s intentions, they might be engaging in triangulation. Insight into this strategy empowers individuals to take a proactive stance in healing and reshaping their relationships.